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In other news ...

NEWS FLASH - April 24, 2006

In Alternative News today, police in Freetown, Sierra Leone are searching for roughly 27 chimpanzees that killed one man and injured at least four others. CNN reports that the chimps escaped from the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary and attacked a vehicle carting several American passengers, among others.

The driver of the car, a Sierra Leone native, was killed as the chimps "ripped his body apart." Three Americans are in the local hospital for undisclosed injuries. Another man, also a Sierra Leone native, had to have his hands amputated after the monkey mauling.

Bystanders called the vehicle that the victims were in a "taxicab." Local officials could only speculate that the ape apes went mad at the sight of a giant, yellow banana on wheels.

In Alta, California, we have more evidence of mother nature's tracheary. In a scene torn straight from a horror film, a 27-year old man has fallen to his death when a giant hole suddenly opened up beneath him as he stood in his home's kitchen.

We couldn't make this stuff up.

At 9:30 p.m. on Friday, the floor of the man's house suddenly gave way and a "sinkhole" opened up beneath him. From the outside, his home looks completely normal. In his kitchen, a pit leading to a decades-old mine has engulfed him. The man's identity has yet to be confirmed as geologists are still testing the safety of the structure.

When contacted for more information, God responded saying, "Shit happens."

Indeed it does.

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